No. I am not thinking straight.
No. I am not breathing normally.
No. I am not okay.
Negativity haunts. I just need to write. I just need to express it. the hell with grammar
My
hands are shaking. My body is trembling. My mind is empty. All of
sudden, It felt so quite. I can see people crying, talking, hugging,
praying but I can’t even hear a single sound. They talked to me, I can
see they mouth moving but I didn’t know what they said.
Kun fayakun..kun fayakun
I
don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say. I don’t even know what
I should do with both my hands and legs. I just sit there. At the very
corner..embracing myself with stupidity. I am wearing your favourite
baju kurung and black scarf you always wore whenever we went to kenduri
or mesjid.
I never expect you will leave me so soon. Never
expect it to be these soon. I just can’t accept that you will not be
around whenever I need someone to talk to. To share stories..to laugh at
stupid jokes and to be just laying there and not even says a single
word.
Do you still remember under that giant tree at your
front yard, you said to me, don’t worry dear..i will be here..Standing
next to you..To protect you from this scary world and we both laughed.
But deep down, I know you meant it. You really meant it. And I promise
to look after you, even if you are old, stinky and ugly. Even if nobody
else want to be next to you in 100 meters..that I will never leave you
alone and I don’t care to wear those stupid mask. And we both laughed
even louder.
we made our promise..Never leave anyone behind. Kait kelingking
Today, I saw you lay there. Kaku. Batu. No pulse. No smile. No laugh. No jokes.
Why
cant you wait for me for another minute to just say goodbye. Why cant
you wait for me until the very end you saw this world. Why cant you wait
for me to hold your warm hands. Why cant you just wait for me to say
you’ve being such a wonderful human being and friend. Why cant you wait
for me to hug you and tell you how much you really meant in my life. Why
cant you just wait for me to keep my promise… that I will never leave
you alone. why just cant you ……
I know. I should stop
all this rambling before I start to not accepting the qada n qadarNya.
Kun fayakun. Innalillah wa inna ilaihi rajiun….for all this while..it is
easy to say those words..drpdanya kita datang..kepadanya kita
kembali..but then..when it comes to someone so close..its really hard to
chew. ..and much harder to spit.
I have to admit ive nothing much left but that annoying bit of faith and patience.
Its
so sad to look around and seeing all the preparation u’ve made for ur
big day. The hantaran, the wedding dress, the beautiful night gown youve
planned to wear on your first night and the present youve made yourself
for your future husband. Its just couple of days left until u become a
wife. Its just so sad.
I didn’t count how many times your
mummy fainted. I couldn’t even look at Haris’s face. It was just too
painful. He was trying so hard to look calm but his tears never gave him
a chance. He was trying to read the yassin but he had to stop like
hundred times. berwudhu and tried somemore. He looked like a lost kid.
And
here I am. stupid and dumb. There is nothing I could do except looking
blur in many ways. Blame on stupid pms. I can only pray in my heart that
you will have His blessing. I promise always to pray for you. I
promise. No one left behind. Even now we are separated in two different
worlds.
I saw them lifted you up and took you away from me. I miss u. I miss u so much.
Why do you have to go? While here I am, have to face the scary world all by myself?
Kun fayakun. Innalillah wa inna ilaihi rajiun. Give me strength Allah..just give me strength
I am so tired. I just need some rest. i want to sleep.
And hoping when I wake up..you will be here.. next to me.
I want to sleep..wishing and hoping its just another bad dream..its just another bad dream..its just a bad dream.
written on Tuesday, December 21, 2010 at 7:58pm ..the night when my bestfriend passed away :( rest in peace sayang..May Allah be with u always. missing u
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